I hate children.

So I'll immediately clarify for all the people who just went "awww." I hate stupid children. I think this covers about 98% of them.

What better way to ruin your life and the lives of all those around you than to have a baby and let it be stupid.

Examples? Gladly.
We go to our nice, but smallish pool in our complex. There's a man with an ugly little girl in the pool. She's screaming. Constantly. Her grandmother or something is sitting on the opposite side of the pool from them yelling to her that everything is ok and that she's fine. Way to effectively monopolize the entirety of the pool area with your braindead family you asshat. The proper thing to do in this case would have been to hold the little bitch under the water, toss her in the compacter, and try again for a kid with a little more traction in the brain department.

We go to the farmer's market. It's as crowded as my balls in a pair of tighty whiteys. Who wouldn't put their kid in their shopping cart and out of the way? No one apparently. It would naturally make more sense (to a dullard) to just let your kid wander around and get in everyone's way, then scream at them to follow you and hare off through the aisles not even waiting to see if they heard and are in fact following you.

True, stupid children are a product of bad parents, but in this case I hate the symptom and the disease.

To close on a positive note, I love my nephews. They're not stupid.

Cookbooks :)

I'm pleased with myself. I just spent 15 minutes and gathered about 15 of my favorite recipes for my cookbook. Maybe I can have it together by late summer.

QQQQQQQWTF?

I don't know where my clothes are from last night.

Not as bad as it sounds. We went to the Tuscany pool party last night and Kevin and I were the only ones who got in the pool. At a pool party. Are we children?

Rotgut liquor. Someone making me the drink that was the turning point because I was planning on being somewhat classy and ended up not remembering how I got home.

I really need to start trying to eat before I drink like that. Then maybe I won't end up drunk at work. Like now.

Nap under the desk, here I come!

Hubert Cumberdale

Reading back through my old posts I saw one about Danja (who is still in my freezer, by the way) and it made me want to write about my current pets.

I have a superdog. His name is Hewie (in fancy company he's Hubert Cumberdale). He makes funny faces, funnier sounds, and frequently knits his eyebrows at me when I'm talking nonsense to him.

There is nothing on earth more deserving of praise than this dear little german boy here. I don't praise often, I want it to mean something when I do. Although his cleverness is infuriating sometimes, we don't ever stay mad at him for more than a few minutes before we're laughing about it. He's such a clever little shit.

On the clever note it's time to talk about our other pup, Rofl (Roflpotomus Rex). We rescued him back in December, about a week before Christmas. He is just about the most cuddly, teddy bear-ish dog I've ever seen in my life. He doesn't want anymore more than to be close to someone.

Then you take him outside and he sees another dog and tries to eat it's face. I'm so glad that he doesn't make any noise, he never barks or whines about anything, or else he'd be a real asshat. He's content just laying around 90% of the time. He's (almost) really good about house training. He doesn't have a tenth of the personality that Hewie does, but I think we'd probably lose our minds if he did.

I'm glad we rescued him. Kevin teases me when I start talking about him being in a facility instead of in a foster home. It's probably at least 99% of the reason why I brought him home the first day I met him - I didn't want him to go back to the facility ever again. He drives us batty, but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

I'm trying to start working on a cookbook with all my favorite recipes in it. I'll have it printed and bound and sell it for something and donate all the profits to the DREAM Dachshund Rescue in Decatur. There's something I can do with my time besides playing League of Legends. I was hoping to have it done in the spring, but the year is flying by so fast.

I'll start gathering recipes, I guess that's probably the easiest way to start.

That's all.

The only other thing I have to say

No. That's all.

My home

Here's some stuff you might not know about me:

1. I hate people.
Plenty of people specifically, but mostly just people in general. They tend to ruin anything. "Oh let me run to the grocery store really quick before I have to be at ________ in 10 minutes. Oh, a dozen people waiting in line and one register open?" Everything in my hands ends up on the floor and I storm out with a little thundercloud above my head.

2. I have no patience. For anything. Ever.
See number one for a good example of human related impatience. I was literally the kid who would eat dry jello mix  because I didn't want to wait for it to set in the fridge. That has eased up a little, but I still put ice cubes in the hot water after the jello dissolves so that it gets to gelling temperature faster.

3. I have a social anxiety disorder.
This could possibly be partially attributed to both numbers one and two. It is nothing for me to walk into a bar and turn around and walk straight back out again because I think I'm either going to throw up or shit my pants lol. It's been happening in varying seriousness off and on for about 10 years, but last year was the worst year of all. There was a three month span where I literally couldn't go to the grocery store to throw all my food on the floor in a fit when the line was too long. I couldn't go to a bar or a club. I was mortified of driving because getting stuck in traffic sent me reeling into the abyss. I was either at home or at work. Those were the only two safe zones. It was miserable. I've gotten a fair grip on it since last year, but it's still nothing for me to go to a restaurant, order food, then sit there and not eat a bite.


I don't really know if there was much more point to this post than to just get in the swing of writing something here.

Well hello. Welcome to my home

I stumbled on my old blog today and had a good laugh reading some of the silly shit I had posted in here. Maybe I'll start blogging again, and actually bother sharing the link with people.

Bitch I stole your purse

Thank you Joseph. lol

Danja

I'm sure most of you at one point or another met my fish Danja. He was the most beautiful betta ever. I got him when I moved back to nyc after moving out from Kyle's apartment and in with a new roommate. He was there with me when my best friend didn't have a place to live so I had her come and stay with me in my little room. He moved with me to Queens to live with Kevin, and ultimately moved to Atlanta with me and Kevin. It sounds really dumb and childish maybe, but he meant the world to me going through all these huge transitions with me. He finally died last night, he was almost 2.5 years old, and I'm really upset. Maybe I shouldn't get a dog if I get this broken up over a fish.

I hope everyone will think of him at least once today. He was a good fish, as fish go. Much better than that nasty Hubert Cumberdale I had at work.

*geeks*

Ok ok, so I know I'm gonna hear some shit for this, not because I'm laughing at something that might be a bit horrible, but because its World of Warcraft related.

This is such old news, but as I'm new to the game, this is new to me.

A bit of backstory:

A girl that played for Horde died (not ingame, in real life) and her guild decided to log in as her character, have her stand there and let everyone pay their respects. This was on a PvP (player vs player) server and they decided to stand in the middle of a contested zone to do this. They also decided to leave all their weapons in the bank and not bring them. I don't understand what they were thinking, but their lack of foresight resulted in my carnal amusement. Serenity Now (another guild) raided their funeral and slaughtered them all, recorded it, set it to music, showed the world what assholes they are, and provided me with a good hearty laugh.



I should try to get back here more often. And I should try harder to not talk about World of Whorecraft when I am here.

Ok ok

I had three different people tell me "why haven't you updated your blog!" in the same day, so I guess its a sign.

I have a very good excuse though... I started playing World of Warcraft and have instantly been sucked into the black hole of no return. Yeah, and you thought the black hole of no return was between Oprah's legs, didn't you?

I'm having so much fun playing it, its a really crazy immersive game.

Anyway, today is two years with Kevin, huzzah for us! Don't really know what more to say about that except that its been the best two years and I'm looking forward to another 40 or 50 of them. He just leaned out of the bathroom (putting in contacts, not pooping) and said "year 2 went by a lot faster than year 1" and its true.

I bought a violin yesterday and will start taking lessons after it arrives. I'll update on that once I finally have it in my hands. All my dreams are coming true now and all it took was getting out of that rotten cesspool of a city. I had a blast at Swing class last night (Swing dancing, not getting fucked in a) and learned a lot of new tricks. Apparently next month we'll be going to the other Country bar on wednesdays with the teachers from this class and just playing around and learning new tricks, I'm looking forward to that.

Kevin's dad is coming to visit next week, he'll be here Thursday-Tuesday. Should be interesting, he's planning on dragging Kevin (I'm opting out) all over the place to look at some random stuff. It'll be a fun time, I'm just not so good at spending entire days playing tourist. When we went to Portland last year, we spent one day playing tourist and the rest of the days just goofing off, and that's probably the only reason why I'd be happy to go back to Portland, cause there really isn't much to see there.

Well now its giving me some random message at the bottom of this box that says it can't connect to blogger.com, so I guess I better copy this whole entry before I try to post it, otherwise my blogging career might come to an angry screeching halt.

konnichiwa bitches

I'm flying to Baltimore tomorrow for Kevin's grandmother's funeral. My first Cath-a-holic funeral and I must say, while funerals aren't a fun affair, I'm not really looking forward to it. All that standing and sitting and kneeling, it'll be like Jane Fonda aerobics or something. But I'm gonna be there for my Biscuit! Flying up tomorrow night and flying back thursday morning, so it'll be a whirlwind trip.

Went to Wild Mustang on saturday after I dropped Kevin off for the airport and Lord have mercy did I ever dance. Apparently when Kevin isn't around its open season, there were only about 5 or 6 dances all night that I got to sit out and I've got the blister to prove it. It was so much fun, but I'd still rather be there with my boy.

Had a fun visit with Frank, despite the goings on. Had a ton of fun with Angel yesterday in the park and at Blake's (which I had never been to before), so I guess its been a pretty good weekend.

ummm

I got my haters blockers on watch my fuckin hater walk.

edit: One heffa two heffas three heffas four hit that bitch with a bottle watch that head hit the floor

A tawdry tale

So last night was the first time in years that I can remember sleeping through the entire night without waking up once. And the entire night I dreamed that I was on "The Next Iron Chef" competition. I went through all the challenges and eliminations and I was in the final three and I knew I was going to win. The judges adjourned to their little room to discuss and when they came back out I was so excited that I guess my heart rate was so high and my breathing so shallow that just as they were about to announce the winner I woke up. I felt totally robbed after all that hard work that I didn't get to hear my name as the winner and at least enjoy the moment in my dream. It was one of the meanest tricks my subconscious has ever played on me. But its amusing now.

Now, for the tawdry tale:

Yesterday we decided that I should try on a cockring, since I've never had one on before and knew nothing about them. We went to the Atlanta Leather Company (yeah really, of all places to go lol) and looked at them. I always just thought they were sortof rubber bandish stretchy things. Oh the buffet laid before me. Leather, neoprene, stainless steel, platinum, leather with staply spikes on the inside, weighted ones, on and on. Of course, the inner monkey screaming to get out, I was mesmerized by the shiny metal ones so the guy told me that I was allowed to try them on (I watched him clean it before AND after I tried it on). So he asks me what size I need, I tell him I don't have a clue, so he hands me one and tells me that this is the most popular size that usually fits most people. I go in the back and put the thing up to my nuts and realize that ONE of my testicles is the same size as the opening. Nervously, I waller the thing around until I manage to get all my junk through it and the guy comes back and asks how it fits. I didn't know how snug they were supposed to be, so he told me that when I was hard (which I was getting very close to) I should be able to fit a finger in under my balls. I couldn't fit a finger in anywhere, which I let him know and quickly asked how to get the damn thing off. Apparently the only way to get them off is to get soft. That's really hard to do when something is squeezing your cock. It took about 5 minutes of fierce concentration to finally get the thing off. Fast forward after trying on another one: They didn't have one big enough for me. *struts* While I could see the reality of some shit and know that they were just sold out of the next size up, I prefer to think that they just didn't have one big enough for this piece. ;) BMP strikes again (something ONLY Melissa will understand).

Now that I've typed that, I'm kind of shy. But I think its funny, and I'll enjoy reading it in a few years, so post!

mandatory updates

So I went to Le Cordon Bleu on friday and met with their admissions people. I knew it was going to be expensive, but I never had a clue that it would be $40,000 for a year. So culinary school is sort of out of the question for now. :(

After thinking about it for a while, I think that its probably for the best. If I spent that much money (and time!) on something like this I'd really feel the need to be ready to focus my whole life on making that my career.

Making money is good. I like having my days free to do the shopping, keep the house clean, cook and bake. Its certainly no long time solution, but I actually have a new money making scheme that I think will probably work out pretty well. ;) I won't talk about that here though.

I'm learning how to grow orchids now. I have one that's been blooming for a little over two weeks now, I'm trying to see if I can make it last for a month. I'm dying to get a puppy too. After seeing all the pups in the park this weekend, I'm definitely ready. My sister already told me where I can get a miniature dachshund for a great price. I'm now trying to convince Kevin that we could go ahead and get one and just not tell Post about it so we don't hafta pay their ridiculous $500 pet deposit (of which only $150 is refundable, even if there's no problems with the apt). How would they ever find out? I'm home every day anyway, I'd have plenty of time to train him and teach him fun tricks. What better time to get a puppy?

Amerigo Vespucci?

So last night I had one of the most interesting dreams of my life, I'll try to recount it as well as I can to make it into a sensible story.

So I dreamed that America was undiscovered country and that Amerigo Vespucci (or Christopher Columbus, apparently my subconscious doesn't know who discovered America first lol) and Kevin were in competition as to who would be 'King of America.' I was Kevin's advisor and I was doing everything in my power to make him King, including systematically plotting and killing the entire court of Sr. Vespucci/Columbus. In the meantime I had to make sure that I kept Kevin safe, because he would frequently get drunk and endanger himself. It was very bizarre, but I enjoyed it when I woke up, because I knew I was winning.

In other news, the Leslie Hall show on saturday was unbelievably shiny and gemfantabulous. Her new album is fun, I've enjoyed listening to it the last few days (on my giant trampoline I go bounce bounce / you fall in love with every ounce ounce ). Dolly Parton's new album is ok according to Kevin, I haven't given it a listen yet, but I like the first single, the rest of the album is probably just fodder for that. I'm listening to Janet's new album (Discipline) and really liking it so far! I don't like the fist single (feedback) so much, but there's one called Rollercoaster that I really hope she releases as a single. She was due a good album after the last few, and hopefully this will be it.

Making a Rum cake today and have an appointment at Le Cordon Bleu on friday. :)

OMFG PLZ!!

By the way, I'm so not serious with the OMG stuff, I just think its so hilarious that people still use that, so I use it all the time too.

The moment of truth has nearly arrived. We will be serandaded by her royal Gemminess oh so soon. I kinda wish I hadn't started drinking at 4, maybe I'd be a bit more together. Maybe Mother Gem will still have a little love in her gold lame clad heart for me and my boozy breath.

Happy weekend ya'll!

As if

As if there were ever any question about him being the most wretchedly homosexual thing since Liberace, I present... Harry Pecker. He sort of resembles a young Jim Dangle on meth.

Heather's almost here! We're going to the hareport to get her in half an hour! WHOOT! I'm so excited, its gonna be an awesome weekend!

Just thought I'd let you know...

I called up Alexa at Bergdorf's Sunday night and told her I needed gloves, a hat, an evening dress, two coats,12 sweaters, a couple hair accessories, a slouchy belt, and some stockings, because I threw my old ones out by accident. I needed a new watch, too—something modern and new but traditional and in platinum—but I just called up Enrico for that, because he knows my hands.

Well, Monday morning rolled around, and then it was Monday afternoon, and I still didn't have my purchases. When Alexa finally showed up, I understood why she'd taken so long—she had clearly gone out of her way to hand pick the most hideous pieces from the most hideous collections, carefully ensuring, while she was at it, that several of the items were not even in my size. (I'm a Versace 6, a Marc Jacobs 4.)

I don't understand what was going through her head when she chose that J. Mendel evening dress. Basic black? I'm not trying to buy an evening dress that I'll be able to wear for years to come, thank you.

I may as well have a colorblind Mongoloid doing the job for me. And her voice. That awful, mousy little mumbled falsetto. "Enunciate!" I said. "It's no wonder you're living in a fifth-floor walkup."

And La Perla bras? Completely off the mark. I told her I wanted sexy, not a bra for my grandmother. If that's her idea of sensuous lingerie, it's no wonder she can't keep a man committed to her.

I try to be forgiving to the poor girl, because I know that it must be hard to be so unattractive, but some of these items go beyond the pale. The Be & D handbag looked like something an insane person would carry. And when I asked her to pick up my dry cleaning, she acted like I was the one out of line. Two words. Service. Industry. Thank you.

I could perhaps have humored her if she came back with two or three gaudy cashmere sweaters. Taste is, after all, subjective. That she brought me 12, however, is more than I should have to endure. I took the sweaters to spare myself the hassle, but Lord knows they're going to be sitting in the back of my closet unworn ten years from now.

I should have gone with that homosexual with the harelip, Chi-Chi.

I could fire her, but then I would have to go through this incredible bore every afternoon when I go to Bergdorf's. Besides, it's more than I can do right now. I'm up to my ears in planning next season's winter formal. This is a disaster.

Maybe I can just hand the Be & D to a homeless person. They might be thrilled. Wait, Janice Goldman's daughter adores Be & D. I'll give Janice the bag next time I see her in the park, pretend this never happened, and just pray that Marie Elaine has fared better.

I'm the luckiest human on earth

For I am preparing myself already for the glory of Mother Gem to shower down upon me next weekend. Yes, oh yes my friends, the star spangled mothership of bedazzlement is landing in Atlanta next weekend and guess who has three tickets? That's right.

I'm also viciously excited that Heather is coming to visit next weekend. Aside from just always have so much effin' fun with her, I'm positive that she'll inspire me and spur me on to something exciting (such as my Cordon Bleu plans that I'm hesitating on). She's good people to have around. She should be a staple in anyone's pantry. Or panties, but her in my panties has already gotten us into trouble once. hahaha

And now, be awash in the glow of Her Royal Gemminess:

Glum glum glum

I was in the dumps yesterday. I'm kinda tired of not having a job. I hope I can even find something part time (that would be ideal).

I'm completely over the idea of trying to work in some sort of professional services firm, as they all seem to be completely unprofessional and grimy. Never met a bigger group of bitter old gossipy queens than architects.

I hate cripples and whores, especially when they work in tandem.

I'm currently working my way through the Altador plot on neopets. Yeah, because I don't have anything better to do.

Made some awesome soup the other day, really simple too:

1 sweet potato
1 onion (I used yellow)
1 red bell pepper
2 cloves garlic, minced
6 cups chicken stock (or veggie stock if you want vegetarian)
some fresh grated ginger
black and cayenne pepper
a mediumish blob of peanut butter and a couple teaspoons of honey

puree the whole thing (because I hate chunky soup) and chop some scallions for the top. Its awesome and mad cheap too!

I've got a crush on Jay Chou:

Friday = happy monkey dance

I like fridays cause Kevin doesn't work on friday. I made cinnamon rolls this morning (not homemade, maybe next time) and woke him up with them.

We've got some friends coming over tonight to play games and have dinner, and tomorrow we've got a friend coming to stay over with us and play MORE games and go out dancing at Wild Mustang! I have a feeling this is going to be a freakin awesome weekend.

My dear Flapjack has also reminded me that its almost Valentimes!

huzzah!

I'm back from my 'retreat', it was definitely fun and it was great to spend some time with Chris before he left again.

I guess I don't really have anything else to say except that I lost my heart to a starship trooper.



Yes, that is Sarah Brightman. She's been insane since the beginning.

retreat!

I'm going up in the Tennessee mountains for a day or two on retreat with a friend. Should be nice since the job hunt has me a little stressed. I'll enjoy sitting around and reading and kinda being away from everything.

I'm gonna miss my Biscuit a lot. We're total saps.

Had a great interview on friday with a great company! Should know something by the end of february!

Neopets

I added a little link to Neopets over on the sidebar. It sounds totally dorky, but they actually have some really fun games there, and its free. I've been playing there for years (because we all know what a dork I am) but I don't really have any friends to play with other than Kevin and Heather, so I thought I'd slap a link up here and if anyone ever comes to look here, maybe they'll sign up. ;) Plus if you sign up through my link, I get credit for it. *cackle*

I have an interview tomorrow which I think is going to go pretty well. I doubt anyone else is going to be as qualified or have the work samples I have, so now I just hafta hope that they'll just give me a chance to show them. Otherwise, I'm going to start looking for a job in a bakery. :)

OMG OMG PLZ!

Leslie Hall is coming to Atlanta.

I knew it was cooler than new york!

And I woulda missed it too if it weren't for Flapjack! More later!

Huzzah!

My friend Chris is coming over to save me from my homemade ravioli making, housewife-ish day. So instead of making ravioli today, I just threw a potroast together so I can leave it cooking all day while we go to the mall and be mallrats.

Thank God for Chris.

And now, for some hot shit!

Making my day, the right way!

This was exactly what I needed to see first thing in the morning. Two of my dear friends getting together for a bit of tea and sunshine dust. Please to watch. Please to enjoy.

blog?

I have finally succumbed to the evil forces and decided to try this whole blogging mess for myself. Could be fun. Could be something else that I do for 10 minutes, then never sign in again. Hopefully it'll be fun and hopefully I'll be able to get my friends to look at it from time to time and impart me with the wisdom and humor that make them my friends. ;)

While I'm figuring all this out, check it.